Life After Peace Corps - My little Stickeen

December 19, 2013 – My little “Stickeen”

I used to be afraid of dog.  As a child growing up, I often harassed by wild hungry dogs wandered inside the narrow alley where my grandmother’s house located.  They followed me around, sniffed my bottom and frightened me to death.  Since then, dog and I never got along.  Few years ago, I read John Muir classic tale “Stickeen”.  The story is about the relationship/adventure between John Muir and a little dog named “Stickeen”.  I fell in love with Stickeen after I finished reading the book.  My fear of dog, somewhat, loosens a bit.     

One day around my apartment building, I saw a cute little Pekingese.  We never met, but for some reason, he kept staring at me.  No matter how hard his owner try to drag him away, the dog did not budge.  Unlike most dogs, this tiny “lion-dog” seemed to have a high opinion of himself.  Once I approached him, instead of jumping on me, licking my hands and trying to get my attention, he simply looked at me with his big round eyes, unenthusiastically  turned around with his tail still fanning left and right, then walked away.   His owner looked at me apologetically with a smile.  I knew right away who is the boss in this relationship.  

Few days later, I met this pair again.  The Pekingese saw me from a far distance.  He was very alert, still aloof and stared at me with its ears upright.  I approached them, said hello to the owner and looked down to the dog.  Again, he looked away as if I did not exist.  I did not give up, bent down and tried to pet him.  The Pekingese smelled my hand and finally let me touch him.  Once I put my hand under its chin and gently rubbed his fur, he curved up a little, and yielded to me, this time his eyes were more friendly.

One evening before entering into my apartment, I espied them on the hallway.  They are my neighbor, living right next door to me!  No wonder this dog stared at me since day one.  He smelled my presence every day.  When we finally met, he recognized my scent, so he stopped.  I went up to the owner and introduced myself.   I lowered myself to get closer to the dog, and started talking to him.

 “So you are my neighbor! How are you little one?”  I kept caressing the dog.   

This time, he loved it.  When I was ready to go, he started barking, not wanting me to go.  His owner consoled him and took him into the apartment.  I looked back and waved goodbye.  It was the beginning of our affair.

When I got home, I did some researches about this special breed and found out why this little master has such an arrogant altitude. This proud creature is an ancient breed of toy dog, originating in China.  Its ancestors were considered sacred dogs and could only be owned by Chinese royalty.  People without noble rank had to bow to them.   No wonder this little buster is so proud.

Now morning on my way to work, I greet them often.  The owner told me that his dog scented me long before he saw me.  The Pekingese would stop along the side walk, refuse to go futher, just looked at the direction where I soon appeared.   However, this little prince still would not show its enthusiasm, just stood there and waited for me to stroke him.  Lately, he became very playful, as soon as I extended my hand to him, he jumped out of my reach, teased me, and wanted me to play.  This morning, he teased me again, I was in a hurry so I left him.  He was confused, started barking.  When I looked back, he was stilling standing there staring at me with those adorable brown eyes.    I waved goodbye and promised to see him again tomorrow.    

When I retire, definitely I will have a Pekingese dog.

Life After Peace Corps - Heartless?

人非草木，誰屬無情

The 2^nd year in Azerbaijan, I painfully cut off a long overdue fruitless relationship.  Since then my heart has been like a still pond, quiet and monotonous, but peaceful and contented.  I ask nothing from God but good health and great spirit, which I gratefully treasure every day.  I am relieved that the pain finally faded,  pleased to be free and satisfied to be alone.  Alone most of the time but never feel lonely. Times when friends advise me to open up my heart and give love another chance, each time I decline.     I even confess to my closest friend that I do not need companionship and I have no desire for intimacy and closeness.  My heart, perhaps, as my friends insinuate, is as cold as ice.

As for the pain, it never really go away.  It is merely hidden quietly deep in my soul.  Occasional flashbacks re-ignite the pain and the agony is as sharp, quick and fresh as ever.    

Vera Pavlova once said:

“If there is something to desire, there will be something to regret,

If there is something to regret, there will be something to recall,

If there is something to recall, there was nothing to regret

If there is nothing to regret, there was nothing to desire.”

Whenever the pain resurrects, I keep reminding myself that I should regret nothing in the past, and long for nothing in the future.  I live day by day, be happy for what I can have, and not be disheartened for what I cannot have.  I find serenity….. until one day, an unexpected light wind blows across that still pond of mine, ripples appear.

It was an cordial and innocent 1^st encounter, nothing spectacular, then the 2^nd, 3^rd and on the 4^th encounter, I felt something.  I found my mind was constantly occupied by his image. I blushed whenever his eyes glanced over, and I had to look away to hide my nervousness.  I felt like a teenager again.  Most of the time, I was drifting like a cloud, weightless, smile for no reason, so unbelievable happy.  A special kind of man makes me feel feminine, his kindness, gentleness, and attentiveness make me loosen my independent and stubbornness.  It did not take me long to realize that I was in trouble…. but I was wise enough not to let my feeling go further.

Will I ever fall in love again, I think not.  It takes too much effort to love someone, it takes even more effort not to love someone.  It is tiring just to think about it.  This short lived experience, however, awakens me that I am not a heartless creature, I am still very much alive, my heart is still warm, has desire and feeling. I am, after all, a woman….

Life After Peace Corps - Cancer is not a Death Sentence

Power of Positive Thinking

“Nature” from PBS reveals that it is a common behavior for an injured animal to hide.  Only if it recovers, it will emerge from its hiding place.  Not even its family members will disturb that injured animal.  

News arrives from NY that one of my hiking friends just passed away due to cancer.  Last time I saw her, she was energetic, healthy and an attractive young lady.  Her death came as a huge surprise to me and to most of my friends.  For two years, hardly anyone knew about her struggling with the disease.  She made her family keep her illness as a secret.  She went through the battle on her own term.  Like the injured animal, she chose to hide.  I respect her decision, but I think her choice may not be a wise one.  

I wish she shared her secret with me. I would have talked to her, encouraged her not to give up.  Cancer is not a death sentence.  I have known people survived from the disease.  Most of them stay optimistic.  They do not give up hope.  They talk about their illness openly; they seek help proactively, not just from the medical advice, but from their friends and family’s emotional support!  They cope with their illness with openness and positive thinking. They understand they have absolutely nothing to lose, but everything to gain by remaining positive. Chances are, they may pull through their ailment and create their own miracle. 

Our brain is a powerful thing.  Unfortunately some of us do not put too much trust into it.  Our brain can send message to our body, to tell our body to behavior, and our body will heal.  Our brain’s sole existence is to keep us alive.  Only if we do not give up, our brain will not do so, and our body will continue to be controlled by our brain.  You must have faith in your brain!