My Life in Azerbaijan - In a Way that Heals..

January 30, 2011
It is bad enough to receive daily harassment from the local teenage boys, so when I discovered a “hate note” in my mailbox during the Peace Corps MSC (Mid Service Conference), my Peace Corps spirit was shattered. The note was from one of my fellow Peace Corps associates. Yes, it was not from the Azeri boys but from one of us. Looking at the note, I was confused first. I tried hard to rationalize as why such an offensive note would be written and delivered to me personally. I expected support from my PCV friends, not attack. If we begin to turn on each other, what strength do I possibly still have to cope with those dreadful Azeri teenage boys again?

After turning the note to our country director, for the next five minutes, I felt isolated. I could not hear a word of what our guest speakers said. I was hurt, sad and just wish that someone would come over and tell me that the whole thing was a mistake. Fortunately, it did. The whole saga was over within half an hour, thanks to our country director. I received an apology and I was relieved to know that the note was not, in fact, mean to direct to me personally, and the whole matter was really a big joke. Standing in front of me was this little fragile sweet young girl whose name I could not even remember. She was shaking and nearly in tears. I accepted her apology wholeheartedly. She really had no reason to “hate” me, so I believe her. I HAVE to believe her. She is one of us!

Thinking back to my younger years, I often did foolish things like this. Even today, I still made the same mistake once in a whole. My elder sister and “J” often received my verbal and “e-mail” abuse. Although I really did not mean those awful words and deeply regret for what I said and wrote to them, my apology to them afterward still could not make thing “whole” again. Like a nail hammered to a wall, even after it is removed, the scar is still there. The damage was done and no matter how sorry I was, I could not remove the hurtful feeling that I inflicted upon them.

Remember President Obama’s recent speech

“it’s important for us to pause for a moment and make sure we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds”

His wisdom echoes….

My Life in Azerbaijan - Natural Beauty

January 18, 2011
They say darkness does evil things to your mind. Winter in Azerbaijan, sunset begins 6:00pm and the sun does not come out again until next morning 8:00am. For 13 hours, there is total darkness around me. I stay in the bank for 6-7 hours, so that means, everyday, I only have 4-5 hours to see the light. I take fully advantage of these precious hours. Most PCVs stay indoor to get warm, I do the appositive. I stay out door to get warm as my apartment usually is ice-cold. Most importantly, the walking and running lift my spirits so the evil things would not get into my mind. (i.e. torture the Azeri teenage boys, quit the Peace Corps etc.)

Yesterday evening after my routine exercise, I was rewarded by the most magnificent sunset. It was around 5:50pm. I was crossing the street in my neighborhood. A car stopped in front of the traffic light. As soon as the driver saw me, he blew the horn to irritate me; he even started the engine to scare me. How much I hate those dreadful human beings! I ignored him and turned to the other direction. Here it was, the big orange sun looking back at me.

It was a cloudy evening. The overcast sky softened the intensity of the desert sun. I could look at the sun directly without hurting my eyes. The sun looked ten times bigger. It had the most brilliant color; not so red, maybe pink, more like orange, gorgeous absolutely stunning! I ran home and graphed my camera. In order to capture the sun, I had to stand in the traffic. I was aware that I would create such a stir that those teenage boys would be thrilled to harass me.

“The hell with them!”

Half way crossed the street; I stood between two traffic lanes. I let the drivers blow their horns, fresh their headlights or even make fun of me. I held out my camera and took three photos. As soon as I was done, I pointed to the sun. I wanted people around me to enjoy that moment as well.

“Nedir?”

No one seemed to appreciate what I saw.

Sadly to say, being in Azerbaijan more than 16 months, I observed that Azeri people are curiously blind to the natural beauty. The color of the sky, the sunset, the moon and the stars reflecting on the Caspian Sea, all leave them unmoved. Yet they would adore things like a new pair of “made in China” 4 inches high heel plastic shoes, a ridiculous flamboyant wedding dress (wedding is huge here!), a new hairdo and other artificial beauties. Numerous times, I showed my host sisters and my co-workers the pictures of American National Parks, none of them seemed to be moved by what they saw.

It was useless to argue.

My Life in Azerbaijan - Remedy for a Cold Winter Night

January 15, 2011
My apartment has been so cold and my fingers suffer the most. At work, the bank also has no heat so, the prolong exposure of my fingers in a cold temperature makes all my joins inflamed and itchy like hell, (don’t really quite understand it). It is especially bad on my right hand. Now my right hand is ½ sizes bigger than my left hand. It happened last winter as well. Now at home, I have to wear gloves to protect all my fingers. Wrapping my fingers around a cup of hot tea also helps. It is fact of life here in Azerbaijan, so I just have to deal with it.

Yesterday I received a package from a friend in the States. It contained the book I ordered; “River” by Colin Fletcher. As I began to read it, I could not put it down. Sitting in my living room which was now slightly heated by a strong afternoon sunlight, I felt a bit warmer. My fingers were still puffed-up, but the hot drink helped to ease the discomfort. Reading the book and sipping the 3-1 coffee, I found myself unconsciously drifting into a world of Colin Fletcher. How much I had missed reading all the books I used to love at home. Peace Corps office has a lot of books, but it does not have or lacks of the kind of books I like. Shipping a book from the States to here, it costs a lot of money for my friends to do that. Luckily, I have a few individuals whom I can truly relay on and call them a “real friend”.

Winter here in Azerbaijan often makes PCV feel extra lonely and unhappy. We have to find a way to please ourselves. Young PCVs like to visit each other, cooking, drinking, partying or doing other crazy things to keep alive. According to statistic, average female volunteers tend to gain weight after joining the Peace Corps. As for me, I enjoy the coziness of a warm blanket with a good book, the kind of languid day I fancy. Colin Fletcher is one of my favorite adventure writers. He is regarded as the “Father of modern Backpacking”. I have a collection of his books at home. This book is about his latest adventure. At age sixty-seven, he decided to make a six-month single-handed, foot-and-raft expedition down the full length of the Colorado River. The kind of journey someday I hope I will venture.

I know this book will help me to survive in some of coldest and loneliest winter nights in Azerbaijan. I plan to take my time to read this book so it will last until the end of winter, but I really doubt that would happen.

I made Chinese Dumpling too!

My Life in Azerbaijan - My Favorite Book

January 11, 2011
More than a year ago when I packed for the Peace Corps, I wanted to bring a lot of books with me (I did not have Kindle yet). Due to the luggage weight limited, I had to leave all of them behind except one book; the “Arabian Sands”. I am glad I had chosen this book, for today reading this book for the 7th time; I am still fascinated by the journey the author undertook. This book unquestionably is my favorite paperback. I enjoy reading it as much as I did back in 2006.

Wilfred Thesiger, the author has since become my hero. I read his autobiography written by Michael Ashes as well. Some people may say Thesiger was a stranger man and I totally agree. I guess you have to be a little crazy or weird in order to live a life so differently from the others. How many of us are willing to give up the comfort of our home, to endure the harshest living condition, to spend five years on one of the most remote and hostile places on earth, to experience life with the “savages”, and at the end come out to acknowledge that those periods are the happiest years of our lives. Well, I guess it is pointless to continue expressing my love for this book; you just have to read it.

After I read the book, it had inspired me to go on a desert journey in Sudan. It was also this book that led me to Peace Corps and finally helped me to make my decision to join Peace Corps. Compare to the “Empty Quarter” of Saudi Arabia, the living condition here in Azerbaijan is far less hostile than that of the Arabian sands. Nevertheless, the analogy may be similar. Like all the Peace Corps Volunteers throughout the world, who are willingly to give up the comfort of their home in the US, spend twenty seven months living with people whom they do not even know, to give them the help they need and at the end, to bring home with those experiences and share them with their friends and family. I just hope that when they look back to those years, they will proudly to acknowledge that:

The life with Peace Corps has given them the two happiest / most rewarding years of their live.

My Life in Azerbaijan - Another Sexual Encounter

January 10, 2010
I am getting a little bit frustrated with the Azeri men here. Most of the Azeri men in my neighborhood are very friendly to me. They stared at me first, then smiled and said “Salam” but none would approach me with disrespect. For nine months, I never once experienced an intentional sexual advance in my neighbourhood until yesterday in the Bazaar. A man approached me with a sexual haharassment, which made me really angry because I actually know the man. He is my vegetable guy. He is maybe at his 50s, but like most Azeri people here, he looks much older. To me, he is like an Azeri grandfather so never once did I expect that he would behave badly towards me.

Every time I passed his vegetable stand, he was always very gracious, friendly and gave me a bargain. I am a friendly person, even if I did not buy vegetables from him. I normally would stop by and offer my “salam”. We would exchange a few words, shake hands, and say goodbye, nothing more. Yesterday, when I passed by his vegetable stand, it was his partner who saw me first. Immediately, his partner alerted him and my vegetable man turned around to greet me. As usual, I extended my hand and said “Happy New Year”. He graphed my hand very firm and would not let go. Seconds later, I felt one of his fingers moving around underneath our palms. I know right away what that meant. First, I was shocked, then turned angry, “Pis, Pis” (bad, bad) and I walked away. He still smiled at me with his evil eyes, did not show any sign of remorse.

What made me even angrier are the responses from my male friends.

“He likes you, no big deal”,
“Get used to it”.
“When you are old you will miss the attention of men”
“Can I do that too?”

A typical insensitive reply from male! It appears to them that women are lucky to have men’s attention. I wonder, if the same instance occurs to their daughters, their sisters or their wives would they still feel the same way.

Well, one thing for sure, that Azeri man just lost his business with me.

My Life in Azerbaijan - I am not a prostitute!

January 7, 2011
New Year Eve, I went up to Ganja to meet Vivian and Carol. We planned to spend our New Year away from Azerbaijan. Our destination is Tbilisi, the Capital of Georgia. This is my 2nd time visit to this ancient and charming city. I was really looking forward to it.

New Year morning, Vivian and I were waiting for a bus to a bus terminal. It was a brisk early morning. Because of the holiday, there was hardly anyone around, only a bread store was open and the entire area was deserted. After 10 minutes waiting, a taxi stopped in front of us. A typical middle aged over weighted Azeri man got out of the cab. We assumed he wanted our business, so both Vivian and I just ignored him. He approached us and particularly stared at me.

“Massage? Massage?” He asked with a hand gesture.

I confronted this kind of situation before, a few times in Sumgayit and one time in Baku. We have a massage center in Sumgayit, and the massagers are all Chinese. (but I never met any of them) At first, I thought the massage center was really for massage, until later, my PC friends told me it was more than just massage. Since I am fully intergraded in my community, and everyone knows that I am American and work for a bank. Therefore, no Azeri men in Sumgayit bothered me anymore after the initial encounters. Another time, I was on my way to Peace Corps office in Baku, I was approached by a young man with the same question. He even did the sexual hand gesture to emphasis his real request for “Massage”, I was very angry, and told him off. Today in Ganja, it happened again!

Vivian was more alert than I was. As soon as the man came near us, she immediately said “No, No”. I was glad Vivian was with me. (That morning, my phone was out of order and I could not even call Jeyhun, PC security officer, for help) The man did not give up, he continued to stare at me and wait for my answer. Of course, I said “NO, NO”. He then went in to the bread store across from us pretending to buy bread. Few seconds later, he came out of the store without any bread, still watched me and reluctantly got back to his car. Vivian gave me a sympathetic look and said “poor little Chi!”

I was not going to let the incident to ruin my holiday. We joined Carol at the bus terminal and went on our short version of Tbilisi odyssey. We had a great time traveling together! I even saw a waterfall. Stay tuned for my next blog entry.