Life After Peace Corps - Heartless?

人非草木，誰屬無情

The 2^nd year in Azerbaijan, I painfully cut off a long overdue fruitless relationship.  Since then my heart has been like a still pond, quiet and monotonous, but peaceful and contented.  I ask nothing from God but good health and great spirit, which I gratefully treasure every day.  I am relieved that the pain finally faded,  pleased to be free and satisfied to be alone.  Alone most of the time but never feel lonely. Times when friends advise me to open up my heart and give love another chance, each time I decline.     I even confess to my closest friend that I do not need companionship and I have no desire for intimacy and closeness.  My heart, perhaps, as my friends insinuate, is as cold as ice.

As for the pain, it never really go away.  It is merely hidden quietly deep in my soul.  Occasional flashbacks re-ignite the pain and the agony is as sharp, quick and fresh as ever.    

Vera Pavlova once said:

“If there is something to desire, there will be something to regret,

If there is something to regret, there will be something to recall,

If there is something to recall, there was nothing to regret

If there is nothing to regret, there was nothing to desire.”

Whenever the pain resurrects, I keep reminding myself that I should regret nothing in the past, and long for nothing in the future.  I live day by day, be happy for what I can have, and not be disheartened for what I cannot have.  I find serenity….. until one day, an unexpected light wind blows across that still pond of mine, ripples appear.

It was an cordial and innocent 1^st encounter, nothing spectacular, then the 2^nd, 3^rd and on the 4^th encounter, I felt something.  I found my mind was constantly occupied by his image. I blushed whenever his eyes glanced over, and I had to look away to hide my nervousness.  I felt like a teenager again.  Most of the time, I was drifting like a cloud, weightless, smile for no reason, so unbelievable happy.  A special kind of man makes me feel feminine, his kindness, gentleness, and attentiveness make me loosen my independent and stubbornness.  It did not take me long to realize that I was in trouble…. but I was wise enough not to let my feeling go further.

Will I ever fall in love again, I think not.  It takes too much effort to love someone, it takes even more effort not to love someone.  It is tiring just to think about it.  This short lived experience, however, awakens me that I am not a heartless creature, I am still very much alive, my heart is still warm, has desire and feeling. I am, after all, a woman….