May 26, 2010
It has been a week that I am not feeling well. Everyday, it starts with dizziness in my head first, and then escalates to headache and by noon; I would be completely exhausted mentally. Yesterday at work, the symptom became so sever that I had to call Peace Corps doctor to get me home. Dr. Faud came right away and he took my blood pressure: 160/92!
My blood pressure is always normal. It was just a week ago that my blood pressure was 116/76 (normal 120/80). “Is your work very stressful?” Dr. Faud asked. Compare to what I used to do in Wall Street, the work here at the bank is nothing. “Let us follow up with this, take a few days off, don’t go to work, stop drinking coffee and tea, I will call you tomorrow” then he left. Today, the dizziness continues, again the headache. I am very frustrated! I did everything to keep myself healthy, the daily long walk, eating right, and the positive altitude. Why does my blood pressure become so high suddenly?
The only stress that I have is the constant “stares” and the verbal harassment from the teenagers during my daily walk. I have already come to accept the fact that the situation will never change, so I face them bravely every day. I thought I got over it already!
“You are like an animal in a cage, constantly being watched by them. You can suppress your stress but they are still there Chi!”
My PCV friend gave me her words of advice. She is on her way back to the US. (10th PCV from AZ7 quitting the Peace Corps) A month ago, her blood pressure was sky high due to her stress. She decided to call a quit. As soon as she made her decision to leave, her blood pressure went back to normal again. I pondered her comment and I nearly got emotional. Perhaps my stress is real.
Will I get better? Time will tell. I will deal with it, one day at a time.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
My Life in Azerbaijan - Another Mishap, another Disillusionment
May 22, 2010
Woke up this morning, I heard another plane crashed in southern India. Another 158 people have died. It was just a week ago that a plane crashed in Libya and everyone died except a little boy. What is happening to the world? What is happening to mankind? Were those accidents act of God or they were tragedies that we, human, inflicted upon ourselves?
Modern technology has better our daily life, but it comes with a price, at times, too high to comprehend. “I craved for the past, resented the present, and dreaded the future” Wilfred Thesiger wrote in his famous book the “Arabian Sands”. He detested modernization; resented what the shoddy and materialistic world had done to the Arabian Peninsula. Although I don’t agree his point of view totally, I do sympathize his feeling. Often, I found myself struggling between two worlds: the modern and the still not fully developed world, like Azerbaijan, where old values still exist.
…our search for a future that works keeps spiraling back to an ancient connection between ourselves and the earth, an interconnectedness that ancient cultures have never abandoned.
Most of the Azeri youngsters whom I met welcome the modern technologies, skills and western cultures that Peace Corps volunteers offer. The university students in Baku loved the “sexy” dance that the American showed them during the “American Day”. Watching the young girls’ bodies twisting and swinging sexually alongside their male friends, I wonder what their parents will react if they see it.
Azerbaijan is still a conservative country. Most villages, single male and female are not allowed to go on a date. They cannot be seen in the public walking together. This seemingly repulsive culture may sound intolerable for the American, but it was the way of life that their parents, their grand parents and their great grand parents believed in. We, as an outsiders, are supposed to respect this ancient ethnicity or reject it just because our society does not believe in it?
I wish I had the answer but I don’t. Maybe I am old fashion, I still love to travel to remote places where cars and plants cannot penetrate and where something of the old ways still survive…..but those places have becoming less and less…..
Woke up this morning, I heard another plane crashed in southern India. Another 158 people have died. It was just a week ago that a plane crashed in Libya and everyone died except a little boy. What is happening to the world? What is happening to mankind? Were those accidents act of God or they were tragedies that we, human, inflicted upon ourselves?
Modern technology has better our daily life, but it comes with a price, at times, too high to comprehend. “I craved for the past, resented the present, and dreaded the future” Wilfred Thesiger wrote in his famous book the “Arabian Sands”. He detested modernization; resented what the shoddy and materialistic world had done to the Arabian Peninsula. Although I don’t agree his point of view totally, I do sympathize his feeling. Often, I found myself struggling between two worlds: the modern and the still not fully developed world, like Azerbaijan, where old values still exist.
…our search for a future that works keeps spiraling back to an ancient connection between ourselves and the earth, an interconnectedness that ancient cultures have never abandoned.
Most of the Azeri youngsters whom I met welcome the modern technologies, skills and western cultures that Peace Corps volunteers offer. The university students in Baku loved the “sexy” dance that the American showed them during the “American Day”. Watching the young girls’ bodies twisting and swinging sexually alongside their male friends, I wonder what their parents will react if they see it.
Azerbaijan is still a conservative country. Most villages, single male and female are not allowed to go on a date. They cannot be seen in the public walking together. This seemingly repulsive culture may sound intolerable for the American, but it was the way of life that their parents, their grand parents and their great grand parents believed in. We, as an outsiders, are supposed to respect this ancient ethnicity or reject it just because our society does not believe in it?
I wish I had the answer but I don’t. Maybe I am old fashion, I still love to travel to remote places where cars and plants cannot penetrate and where something of the old ways still survive…..but those places have becoming less and less…..
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
My Life in Azerbaijan - I am Fine!
May 19, 2010
I have been receiving e-mails from home concerning my happiness here:
“Come home, you don’t have to suffer!”
“Are you ok, so and so told me you are not having a good time there”
“What the hell, it is not worth it, come home Chi”
I WILL NOT! For the last time, no way will I quit Peace Corps and that is final!
First, let me clarify, yes, I am having ups and downs here, (who does not?) and yes, my living conditions are well below my standards in New York, and yes, I miss a lot of things I love in New York. However, I am willing to give them all up temporally in exchange for the Peace Corps experience. I join Peace Corps not because I am unemployed in New York, not because I need to escape problems back home, not because I hate my life in America, and definitely not because I need a long vacation!
My reason to join Peace Corps cannot be described in just one or two sentences, but it all comes down to three words “Giving it back”. I am not rich, but I don’t have to worry about paying bills. I am not unhappy with my life for I have accomplished many dreams. I could have retired early, or got an easy job and be satisfied for the rest of life, but I often asked myself, is that what my life all about? Everything I did up to the summer of 2009 was all about myself, my life, my happiness, what about others, especially those I had met in Sudan, Tanzania, Venezuela, Nepal, Peru and China. Those hungry eyes, dirty faces and sick bodies were imprinted so deeply in my heart that my happiness alone is no longer enough.
“There is a candle in your heart, waiting to be kindled
There is a void in your soul, waiting to be filled
Do you feel it?”
I did not make a rush decision to join Peace Corps. I contemplated this life for three years, little obstacle is not going to make me quit. So my friends back home, if you want to cheer me up, send me words of encouragement, instead of making personal judgment about my happiness. Only I know whether I am happy or not.
I have been receiving e-mails from home concerning my happiness here:
“Come home, you don’t have to suffer!”
“Are you ok, so and so told me you are not having a good time there”
“What the hell, it is not worth it, come home Chi”
I WILL NOT! For the last time, no way will I quit Peace Corps and that is final!
First, let me clarify, yes, I am having ups and downs here, (who does not?) and yes, my living conditions are well below my standards in New York, and yes, I miss a lot of things I love in New York. However, I am willing to give them all up temporally in exchange for the Peace Corps experience. I join Peace Corps not because I am unemployed in New York, not because I need to escape problems back home, not because I hate my life in America, and definitely not because I need a long vacation!
My reason to join Peace Corps cannot be described in just one or two sentences, but it all comes down to three words “Giving it back”. I am not rich, but I don’t have to worry about paying bills. I am not unhappy with my life for I have accomplished many dreams. I could have retired early, or got an easy job and be satisfied for the rest of life, but I often asked myself, is that what my life all about? Everything I did up to the summer of 2009 was all about myself, my life, my happiness, what about others, especially those I had met in Sudan, Tanzania, Venezuela, Nepal, Peru and China. Those hungry eyes, dirty faces and sick bodies were imprinted so deeply in my heart that my happiness alone is no longer enough.
“There is a candle in your heart, waiting to be kindled
There is a void in your soul, waiting to be filled
Do you feel it?”
I did not make a rush decision to join Peace Corps. I contemplated this life for three years, little obstacle is not going to make me quit. So my friends back home, if you want to cheer me up, send me words of encouragement, instead of making personal judgment about my happiness. Only I know whether I am happy or not.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
My Life in Azerbaijan - I Made the Connection
May 18, 2010
After the incident with the three dreadful teenage boys, I freak out every time when I see teenage boys. They are never alone, always a group of three, four or six. Few days ago, a group of them even blew me a kiss. For God's sick, I am old enough to be their mother, when is this going to end!
I have been very careful. During my daily walk, I try my best to stay away from them. When I spot them from a distance, I immediately take a detour. If I see them walking towards me, at once, I cross the street to avoid them. Sometimes when I have no choice passing them, I stay close to some elderly people, or hide behind them for some protection. This “teenage-boy phobia” for a while drives me insane. But I have been firm; I will not become a prison of my own apartment, so I continue to take my daily long walk regardless how many detours I have to take. Two days ago, I finally made a connection with these “ill-disciplined creatures”.
Summer is approaching to my town and the Sea is full of people. School is over and boys are everywhere inside the Park. Two days ago, a group of 15-20 teenage boys were out jagging by the Sea. When I encountered them, they were taking a break. Of course, I froze as soon as I saw them. They noticed me right away and watched me for a few seconds. “Idman?” (exercise?) I had no idea where I got the strength to talk to them. Instantly, there was a burst of laugh and cheer “hello, hello, how are you? How old are you?” I waved, smiled and jumped up and down to show them, I “idman” too. The tallest boy put his thumb up, praising me. (in Azerbaijan, no woman do exercise)
Today, I saw them again. They were running pass me. As soon as they saw me, they cheered and waved and smiled, and said hello. I guess the “idman” made the connection between us. Maybe teenage boys are not so bad after all. I will give them another chance.
After the incident with the three dreadful teenage boys, I freak out every time when I see teenage boys. They are never alone, always a group of three, four or six. Few days ago, a group of them even blew me a kiss. For God's sick, I am old enough to be their mother, when is this going to end!
I have been very careful. During my daily walk, I try my best to stay away from them. When I spot them from a distance, I immediately take a detour. If I see them walking towards me, at once, I cross the street to avoid them. Sometimes when I have no choice passing them, I stay close to some elderly people, or hide behind them for some protection. This “teenage-boy phobia” for a while drives me insane. But I have been firm; I will not become a prison of my own apartment, so I continue to take my daily long walk regardless how many detours I have to take. Two days ago, I finally made a connection with these “ill-disciplined creatures”.
Summer is approaching to my town and the Sea is full of people. School is over and boys are everywhere inside the Park. Two days ago, a group of 15-20 teenage boys were out jagging by the Sea. When I encountered them, they were taking a break. Of course, I froze as soon as I saw them. They noticed me right away and watched me for a few seconds. “Idman?” (exercise?) I had no idea where I got the strength to talk to them. Instantly, there was a burst of laugh and cheer “hello, hello, how are you? How old are you?” I waved, smiled and jumped up and down to show them, I “idman” too. The tallest boy put his thumb up, praising me. (in Azerbaijan, no woman do exercise)
Today, I saw them again. They were running pass me. As soon as they saw me, they cheered and waved and smiled, and said hello. I guess the “idman” made the connection between us. Maybe teenage boys are not so bad after all. I will give them another chance.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
My Life in Azerbaijan - Lovely Creatures
May 13, 2010Here are four little lovely creatures that I discovered few weeks ago. They were born about a month ago and are abandoned by their mother. Right now they are living in the basement of my building. At night, they sleep in the cellar and during the day time when the sun is out; they would come out and bath under the sun. Everyone in the building is feeding them to make sure they are not hungry.
Every morning and every afternoon when I go out to and come back from work, I greet them with gentleness. They were afraid of me first. As soon as they saw me, they would run back and hide behind the doorway to the cellar but still watching me with those timorous eyes. One time, one of them was so frightened that it ran itself to the wall and bounced back to the floor. It was so cute! Lately, I found them growing more fearless each day. Yesterday, three of them let me touch them, except that little silly one who continued to run itself to the wall. I hope it did not hurt its head.
I have been thinking to adopt one of them but I discounted the idea right away. They look so happy together, playing, sleeping and cozying with each other. They do not have a mother but they have each other. I will be happy to greet them everyday. They should be free and wild instead of confining inside my apartment.
May Allah protect them!
My Life in Azerbaijan - Doesn't take much to make me happy
May 12, 2010
Section of the path that I take my daily walk passes a dense wooded area. It has becoming my favorite part of the walk. One of the reasons is because it has less people around and I receive less stares and u
nwanted attention. Another reason is because its nice setting. Each day, temperature in my town is getting hotter. With the humidity coming from the Sea, usually I would be sweating quite uncomfortably by the time I pass this section. However once I enter this dense forest area, everything changes.
I can still see the late afternoon hot sun above me, but I am completely sheltered by the canopy of this dense wooded area. Inside this “green tunnel” the hot breeze from the Caspian Sea transforms into a cool draft. It is so soothing, so gentle so relaxing and so ever welcoming. With all the cheerful birds singing around me, I find myself wanting to linger here more everyday.
These past two days, I have been noticing a light fragrant every time I pass there. When I look, I see nothing but tall trees. This sweet-scented lightens my spirit and adds more enjoyment to my walk. Today I am determined to find its source. Again, as soon as I enter into this section, here comes the sweet fragrant again. I keep looking up to locate THE flower and I nearly run into a couple. I feel so embarrassed and it is then I find THE flower! It is a small shrubbery right underneath a pine tree next to my feet. You really have to look very carefully to find it. This little bush is covered with young green leaves and between those shinning foliage are the tiny yellow flowers. It is those little yellow flowers that give away the aromatic smell. Immediately I pick a few and bring home with me.
I put them in water and it is right next to me when I am writing my journal. Uh, I am happy, very happy to find this little charming flower in Azerbaijan. It really does not take much to make me happy! Tomorrow, I will go back there and pick more…
Section of the path that I take my daily walk passes a dense wooded area. It has becoming my favorite part of the walk. One of the reasons is because it has less people around and I receive less stares and u
nwanted attention. Another reason is because its nice setting. Each day, temperature in my town is getting hotter. With the humidity coming from the Sea, usually I would be sweating quite uncomfortably by the time I pass this section. However once I enter this dense forest area, everything changes.I can still see the late afternoon hot sun above me, but I am completely sheltered by the canopy of this dense wooded area. Inside this “green tunnel” the hot breeze from the Caspian Sea transforms into a cool draft. It is so soothing, so gentle so relaxing and so ever welcoming. With all the cheerful birds singing around me, I find myself wanting to linger here more everyday.
These past two days, I have been noticing a light fragrant every time I pass there. When I look, I see nothing but tall trees. This sweet-scented lightens my spirit and adds more enjoyment to my walk. Today I am determined to find its source. Again, as soon as I enter into this section, here comes the sweet fragrant again. I keep looking up to locate THE flower and I nearly run into a couple. I feel so embarrassed and it is then I find THE flower! It is a small shrubbery right underneath a pine tree next to my feet. You really have to look very carefully to find it. This little bush is covered with young green leaves and between those shinning foliage are the tiny yellow flowers. It is those little yellow flowers that give away the aromatic smell. Immediately I pick a few and bring home with me.
I put them in water and it is right next to me when I am writing my journal. Uh, I am happy, very happy to find this little charming flower in Azerbaijan. It really does not take much to make me happy! Tomorrow, I will go back there and pick more…
Saturday, May 08, 2010
My Life in Azerbaijan - The Best "Shit" Story
May 2, 2010
This past week, we had a 2-day Peace Corps training in Baku. It was nice seeing all my PCV friends again; Vivian, Carol, Catherine and many mores. We exchanged news, gossips, traveling plans and the “Shit” stories. Among all the elderly PCVs’ “Shit” stories, the most impressive one has to be the one told by Catherine Brookskenyon.
Back when we had our orientation in Philadelphia, Catherine was my roommate. This time, we arranged to be roommate again so we could spend the night catching up. Catherine has lost some weight but she looks great. She continues to impress me as a super PCV. Her living condition has to be the worst among all of us. In her village, she has no site mate and no one speaks a word of English. Her Azeri was not so good either. Her apartment has no running water and no heat, but she overcomes all those hurdles and has been doing wonderful works for the local youngsters.
One of her most inspiring stories is about the toilet her host family recently built for her. Before she showed us the picture of her new toilet, everyone was assuming it must be the western sitting type of toilet with new shinning tiles, mirror and washing sink but when she cheerfully showed us the picture of her new toilet, I was sick to my stomach.
Catherine’s new toilet is nothing but a hole on the ground. Her toilet seat is just two pieces of wood placing on top of some bricks right above the hole for her to sit on. Her host family has a squat toilet but due to her knees problem, Catherine is unable to squat. Instead of complaining, she continued to use the squat toilet by standing up. When she had diarrhea (which for he
r is often), Catherine just carried extra water with her to clean up. Finally her host mother realized Catherine’s problem, so the family built her this temporarily outdoor “Shit hole”. When summer comes, this primitive toilet will have to be removed to somewhere else or be improved for sanitary reason. After Catherine finished her story, she looked at me and smiled. Still feeling so proud, “They built this for me, Chi! I love my new toilet”. I wanted to cry…
The story may sound so unpleasant to some people, but it is the story that will stay with me forever. This story should be an inspiration for all the existing and future PCVs, especially for those who quitted or those who are considering quitting. Compare to Catherine’s problems, their reasons to quit, for me are so insignificant. Catherine never lost sight of why she signs up for the Peace Corps. Her physical limitations, her current living conditions, her language problem, her health issues, and her family back home are problems that are common to all of us, but Catherine never used any one of those excuses to exit Peace Corps. Quitting for her is a betrayal of her commitment to Peace Corps, to President Obama, and to the people of United States of America. Peace Corps and the US should be proud to have her as an "ambassador" to Azerbaijan.
I am grateful to meet Catherine, to get to know her, to have her as my roommate since day 1 and certainly I am very proud to have her as my life time friend.
This past week, we had a 2-day Peace Corps training in Baku. It was nice seeing all my PCV friends again; Vivian, Carol, Catherine and many mores. We exchanged news, gossips, traveling plans and the “Shit” stories. Among all the elderly PCVs’ “Shit” stories, the most impressive one has to be the one told by Catherine Brookskenyon.
Back when we had our orientation in Philadelphia, Catherine was my roommate. This time, we arranged to be roommate again so we could spend the night catching up. Catherine has lost some weight but she looks great. She continues to impress me as a super PCV. Her living condition has to be the worst among all of us. In her village, she has no site mate and no one speaks a word of English. Her Azeri was not so good either. Her apartment has no running water and no heat, but she overcomes all those hurdles and has been doing wonderful works for the local youngsters.
One of her most inspiring stories is about the toilet her host family recently built for her. Before she showed us the picture of her new toilet, everyone was assuming it must be the western sitting type of toilet with new shinning tiles, mirror and washing sink but when she cheerfully showed us the picture of her new toilet, I was sick to my stomach.
Catherine’s new toilet is nothing but a hole on the ground. Her toilet seat is just two pieces of wood placing on top of some bricks right above the hole for her to sit on. Her host family has a squat toilet but due to her knees problem, Catherine is unable to squat. Instead of complaining, she continued to use the squat toilet by standing up. When she had diarrhea (which for he
r is often), Catherine just carried extra water with her to clean up. Finally her host mother realized Catherine’s problem, so the family built her this temporarily outdoor “Shit hole”. When summer comes, this primitive toilet will have to be removed to somewhere else or be improved for sanitary reason. After Catherine finished her story, she looked at me and smiled. Still feeling so proud, “They built this for me, Chi! I love my new toilet”. I wanted to cry…The story may sound so unpleasant to some people, but it is the story that will stay with me forever. This story should be an inspiration for all the existing and future PCVs, especially for those who quitted or those who are considering quitting. Compare to Catherine’s problems, their reasons to quit, for me are so insignificant. Catherine never lost sight of why she signs up for the Peace Corps. Her physical limitations, her current living conditions, her language problem, her health issues, and her family back home are problems that are common to all of us, but Catherine never used any one of those excuses to exit Peace Corps. Quitting for her is a betrayal of her commitment to Peace Corps, to President Obama, and to the people of United States of America. Peace Corps and the US should be proud to have her as an "ambassador" to Azerbaijan.
I am grateful to meet Catherine, to get to know her, to have her as my roommate since day 1 and certainly I am very proud to have her as my life time friend.
My Life in Azerbaijan - I found my flower in Azerbaijan
May 2, 2010
Spring is always the happy time for me in New York. I often go into the wood to see the dogwood bloom, to look at the wild iris sprouting out from the streambed and to watch the purple lilac dancing in the wind. Among all the flowers, I love lilac the most. Its intoxicated fragrant with tiny lavender flowers steals my heart some twenty years ago when I first discovered it near my college dormitory in upstate New York. Since then, every spring, I had to go into the wood and pick some lilac for my room. Moving to New York City, I continued to have lilac every spring to decorate my apartment.
This month, the local flowers in Azerbaijan begin to bloom, especially those along the Caspian Sea where I take my daily walk. I think about the lilac and realize how much I miss seeing it. Much to my surprise, yesterday I discovered a few lilac bushes hidden behind some tall fences. I was happy beyond words to see my old friend again. I wanted to pick some but there were people around. I always attract people’s attention by being a foreigner, if I pick the flowers openly in front of those people, I probably would creat a big rally and most certainly I would be on Azeri TV next day. So I waited until the right moment. This morning when I got up, it was cold, damp and raining. It was a good day to commit my crime.
Azeri people do not like cold and rain. Even just a drizzle, they will stay indoor. I took this golden opportunity to go back to the path and pick the flower. As soon as I got closer to the fence and conducted my act, I heard a man shouting at me.
“Hara gedirsÉ™n?” (where are you going?)
I was embarrassed to get cau
ght so I pointed at the flowers and smiled. The man waved his hand and signaled me to go away. Immediately, another elderly man came to the rescue. He talked to the angry man a few seconds. Afterward, the angry man looked at me and nodded. He allowed me to pick just one, so I thanked him and quickly picked two and ran. By the time I got home, I was soaking wet but I was happy, happy that I have discovered my favorite flower in Azerbaijan!
Spring is always the happy time for me in New York. I often go into the wood to see the dogwood bloom, to look at the wild iris sprouting out from the streambed and to watch the purple lilac dancing in the wind. Among all the flowers, I love lilac the most. Its intoxicated fragrant with tiny lavender flowers steals my heart some twenty years ago when I first discovered it near my college dormitory in upstate New York. Since then, every spring, I had to go into the wood and pick some lilac for my room. Moving to New York City, I continued to have lilac every spring to decorate my apartment.
This month, the local flowers in Azerbaijan begin to bloom, especially those along the Caspian Sea where I take my daily walk. I think about the lilac and realize how much I miss seeing it. Much to my surprise, yesterday I discovered a few lilac bushes hidden behind some tall fences. I was happy beyond words to see my old friend again. I wanted to pick some but there were people around. I always attract people’s attention by being a foreigner, if I pick the flowers openly in front of those people, I probably would creat a big rally and most certainly I would be on Azeri TV next day. So I waited until the right moment. This morning when I got up, it was cold, damp and raining. It was a good day to commit my crime.
Azeri people do not like cold and rain. Even just a drizzle, they will stay indoor. I took this golden opportunity to go back to the path and pick the flower. As soon as I got closer to the fence and conducted my act, I heard a man shouting at me.
“Hara gedirsÉ™n?” (where are you going?)
I was embarrassed to get cau
ght so I pointed at the flowers and smiled. The man waved his hand and signaled me to go away. Immediately, another elderly man came to the rescue. He talked to the angry man a few seconds. Afterward, the angry man looked at me and nodded. He allowed me to pick just one, so I thanked him and quickly picked two and ran. By the time I got home, I was soaking wet but I was happy, happy that I have discovered my favorite flower in Azerbaijan!
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