I read Vivian’s weekly newsletter this morning and this is what she wrote on January 31, 2010:
“This is the second time I have not been kind to my family....I realize that I was bitchy but I have to tell you how trying the whole situation is about 90% of the time”
I sense her frustruation and I am glad to find out that I am not the only one feeling this way about our host family. My part of the story is not so different. One of my host sisters always expects me to be around her. I have to entertain her relatives and her friends. It does not matter whether I like it or not. She just came to me and announced each time:
“Chi, we are going to my aunt’s house this weekend” ,
“Chi, my friends are coming this weekend, make sure you are home”,
“Chi, my cousin’s birthday is tomorrow, we will go to her party”.
Out of respect, I had honored all her requests. Each time, I suffered. It was always the same, they talked and talked among themselves in Azeri, said things about me, laughted at my mistakens, kept watching me. When they got tired of it, they just left me there to get bored. If I got up and left, it was an OMLAZ (it is forbidden!). My host sister and her mother would later critized me and demanded an explanation as why I behaved that way.
Last week, I finally got fed up with the whole situation, so I said “NO” to my host sister’s request for visiting her aunt in Baku. I explained to her I had language lesson that day.
“But what time will you be back?”.
“late, I will be late, please go without me”.
As soon as I said that, she put her head down on the table, and got very upset. She was nearly in tears. I ignored her and left the kitchen. Whole day, she stopped talking to me. Every time I walked by her, she would watch me with the corner of her eyes, with a sad and angry face. I continued to ignore her because I am really so SICK OF HER.
That night, out of the blue, ana (my host mother) asked me to go to her friend’s party with her. I knew right away it was not ana’s party it was my host sister’s. My host sister used her mother to make me to go to her party. I was mad, I gave ana the same answer, “Sorry, I am busy.” My host sister was there and they both talked in Azeri about my response. I hated it, but I pretended I did not understand. For two days, my host sister and I didnot communicate. I was glad for that!
Finally, the 3rd day during dinner time, my other host sister asked me in front of her entire family that why I stopped talking to her sister. I felt smoke coming out of my brain. I spoke up immediately
“Since I said no to your sister’s party, she stopped talking to me. She even used ana to make me go. You have to understand, I am here as a PCV to help others, I need to do my community service during the weekend, I cannot go party with your sister all the time!” then, I turned to my host sister and her mother, getting more irritated each second: “if there is problem with this, I will talk to Peace Corps, and I can move out tomorrow” As soon as I said that, my host sister got very scared. Peace Corps has a lot of power, they are afraid of Peace Corps getting involved.
“Please donot tell Peace Corps, if you donot want to go, I have no problem with that”
That was the end of our conversion. Later, ana said something about me moving out in April. They would still be my friend and they would come and visit me...... etc etc. Then, I felt guilty losing my temper.
To be fair, my host family are not bad people. It is the culture difference that causes the conflict between our host family and us. There is no easy way to deal with or solve the situation similar to what Vivian and I have encountered. It is the dilamma that we continue to face until the day we finally move out and live on our own.
However, I am glad that I did speak up for myself. Sometime it is hard to be nice. I totally understand how Vivian felt that day. Hang in there, my friend Vivian dear!
3 comments:
Perhaps you can work out a deal with your host sister. Pick and choose the visits that both of you can agree on. Talk to her and be frank about it. The fact that your host family signed up with Peace Corps signals they are open to new ideas and cultures.
Deeper friendship can result from arguments and disagreements. Give a try.
-Jim
Thanks Jim for the advice. My host sister and I talk again. She is a lovely girl and very kind to me. I will never get mad at her for too long.
I went out with her this past Wednesday to visit her friend in the hospital. She was happy that I agreed to go.
Thanks for reading my blog!
I was aghast at this entire story. part of deploying some americanism is the right to say no every once in a while. I am so happy you stuck up for yourself.
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